NFL Draft Pittsburgh: Have We Done Enough? (Humor)

The NFL Draft in Pittsburgh is coming up very quickly. Many needed improvements have been made. We have painted the old iron railroad trestle between the Strip and Downtown. Potholes have been patched and graffiti removed in the Golden Triangle and North Shore. Loose stones and pieces of paving bricks have been picked up or repaired. An immaculate Collection has been held to collect trash. People have rappelled off of Mt. Washington to pick up litter on the mountainside (to be honest they do this every year, and thanks!). They’ve probably even polished up the USS Requin at the Kamin Science Center. Very nice, but have we done enough? We don’t want to look bad during the Draft. What else can we do? In Entertainment Central’s opinion the following things should be done:

1) Dye the Mon River blue so that we don’t have the contrast line at the confluence of the two rivers that sometimes occurs. The Monongahela River has a muddy bottom and can run brown, while the Allegheny has a gravel bottom and runs bluish-green. All of this can be confusing to an international viewing audience. It doesn’t have to be a tropical blue (although that would look beautiful), just a bluish-green to match the Allegheny. Use an organic dye so as to not hurt the giant carp and catfish that roam our waters. A temporary pumping station could be set up just out of view of the Draft visitors at the South Side Riverfront Park boat launch. If Chicago can dye their river green for St. Patrick’s Day each year then we can dye ours blue for the Draft.

2) Probe Downtown streets with ground penetrating radar to discover any underground sinkholes. One bus in a sinkhole is funny, two is a tragedy.

3) To really drive home the incline experience let’s add a coffee bar, barista, and Eat‘n Park Smiley Cookies to each incline car. Adding a Primanti Brother’s pop up would be too messy!

4) Please keep our wonderful new mayor Corey O’Connor away from any bodies of water due to his propensity to jump in fully clothed as evidenced recently at the Polar Plunge and the reopening of the renovated Oliver Bathhouse. Keep the Mayor dry during the Draft.

5) Encourage out of town visitors to visit the remote mountaintop village of Squirrel Hill which is only currently accessible by a few goat trails due to several key bridges being out. While there you will find the enlightenment you seek through pizza and Chinese food.

6) Retail science has known for years that sensory accents like sounds and smells can calm shoppers and encourage them to stay longer and spend more money. There’s nothing better than the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (at least to me) and who doesn’t love the sound of Pittsburgh native George Benson’s pop jazz. Maybe the Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership can bake large batches of chocolate chip cookies during the draft  and blow the aroma of the cookies throughout the Golden Triangle. 

7) The giant rubber ducky that floated around the Point some years back was a huge attraction. Where the hell is it and why don’t we have it back again? Volunteers could take turns blowing it up again. It should be fully inflated in time for the Draft.

8) Please alert our Draft visitors that the long strips of black asphalt running down the center or side of Pittsburgh roadways are not bike lanes. They are merely annoying remnants of a water and sewer line replacement project that a year later was followed by a gas line replacement project. 

9) Can someone please buy Alcosan a backup generator so no more untreated sewage is discharged due to power failure as happened two months ago? We don’t want any unsightly flotsam on the Ohio River during the draft.

Rick Handler, Entertainment Central’s executive producer, is the person responsible for this post.

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